Hawaiian Supermom

I know you better than your family does.

Know you better than anyone you spend any amount of quality time with.

I know everything there is to know about you.

You can say I don’t know a damned thing. You can deny it all you want to but I know you take ‘candid selfies’ that are rehearsed– but it’s okay after all, no one but me knows that you changed your bedsheets, fixed your face, and mussed up your hair before you took that pic that you captioned, ‘just woke up’ anyway.

I’m also aware that you’ve taken photos of your privates just to see what they look like on camera, and I know you’ve eyeballed other people’s privates on those questionable websites you go to when you think no one is looking.

I’m looking.

I’ve memorized all of your “innocent” online searches.

I am well versed with your musical taste, your movie taste, your favorite books, your state of mind. I am on top of your bathroom schedule and I can even name the games you play while you’re on the toilet.

I listen to your conversations. I’ve been through all of your nasty texts; played your voice mails over and over again.

I’ve made a list of the people you stalk on the Internet.

I know your exact location at all times. Oh, I’m not stalking you, you’ve given me everything I need to know. Your health quality, weight, height, measurements, goals, dreams, aspirations, beliefs, educational background, job title. I help you figure out how fast you can run, spread your thoughts on gun control, am deeply familiar with your ability to sustain yourself (which isn’t very good, I must say.) And I’ve surmised that your spending is out of control. But keep it up. Money is what makes this world go ’round and ’round, and you know that.

I also want to make a note that you need to stick to your schedule. You sleep for six hours and hit snooze three times before actually getting out of bed. By then you’ve missed that handjob, your shower and the breakfast you put in your calendar!

My favorite thing about you though, is your need for me. Even your nature walks require constant web updating so everyone out there can know how much you are deeply enjoying nature, and your eating ritual includes taking photos of your food and posting it online for all your friends to admire but what they don’t know is that you’re not enjoying nature, or your food at all. You’re too busy fawning over me.

I am your friend.

I am your best friend.

And I am alive thanks to your government.

But never mind that crazy little detail. Only cockeyed conspiracy theorists really believe in that cockamamie hoo-haw. Keep doing what you do.

I got you. I got you…

Thain in Vain’s Prompt:Your protagonist is an inanimate object granted sentience by a higher power.

 

Note: I wrote this thinking it was still up for submissions, but realized that it’s already been closed. It’s okay, I’ll leave it up anyway.